Retrospections

"I woke at dawn fresh and new

Full of cheer to face the day with.

I bathed and dressed and bid my home adieu

Then left for the bus at Main and 5th.

The day was clear the sun was out.

I noticed the fine crispness in the air.

As my shoes clicked on the walk, I wanted to shout

For the day so fine and life so fair.

As habit would have it

Work was a drag.  The monotony I

I'd chosen had taken its toll.  goddamit!

Why did it have to happen so soon to me?

I felt forty at twenty and knew I was right.

I'd decided to be content too early in life,

Content with failure, nihilism, existentialism, fatalism.  I couldn't fight.

I'd forged a double edged knife.

Well, I thought I was happy.  But today

This omnipotent knife showed its other edge.

My zeal for safety, my knowledge of self worth, began to say

That I was old, boring, young and useless.  My pledge 

To be apathetic and resigned in my immense fallability

Was in itself more fucked than my general lack of ability.

Well, I guess everyone was right, "Cogito, nec nihil sum."

The practical thing to do is drop the facade, lock myself in a room...

I'm tired, let me sleep."

The note kept its place on the night stand

Despite the breeze through the open window.

The note was weighted down by the pill bottle,

Still open and half empty.

3/19/84